


To Love the Most

by IsaacTheGreat69



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Mentions of Suicide Attempts, Mentions of neglect, mentions of abuse, mentions of self harm, mild swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-20
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-23 11:02:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17079101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IsaacTheGreat69/pseuds/IsaacTheGreat69
Summary: They said that to love as deeply and openly as he did, he must have grown up knowing immense love. But what he knew as a child wasn’t love, not really.





	To Love the Most

**Author's Note:**

> Purely a vent fic tbh

People often spoke of how kind he was. How his smile showed unending kindness and his heart overflowed with endless love. They posited that he must’ve grown up in an extremely supportive, loving, nurturing home to grow as one of the most supportive and loving humans they knew. They whispered that he must have known love from a very young age to love everyone so selflessly. **  
**

It wasn’t love when his mother shoved him into a coat hook in the wall.

It wasn’t love when his mother would spit “eat it or starve” when serving him dinner he couldn’t eat.

It wasn’t love when his older brother stumbled into his room in the middle of the night when he was twelve and told him that it was his fault their parents were getting divorced.

It wasn’t love when he was forced into his first kiss (and maybe a little more, but he would never say) at the tender age of twelve.

It wasn’t love when others would notice the scars on his wrists and accuse him of being an attention whore.

It wasn’t love when he was left gasping for breath, sobbing brokenly and in the kind of pain no preteen should have to feel, his mother screaming at him from the other room to shut up.

It wasn’t love when his oldest brother would plan his military leave to visit when his youngest brother’s birthday was arriving, then acted like he didn’t exist when his own birthday came.

It wasn’t love when his family - his mother and his four brothers - all called him a selfish bitch.

It wasn’t love when his mother would scream at him for eating something he apparently wasn’t allowed to.

It wasn’t love when his mother would scream at him for watching TV in the living room.

It wasn’t love when his mother would scream at him for his brothers not doing their chores.

It wasn’t love when his brother told him, as they walked home from school together, that he should just die.

It wasn’t love when his father began to withdrawal from him after he came out.

It wasn’t love when his father celebrated his brother’s birthday, and he only got a happy birthday text.

It wasn’t love when his father planned family trips with his brother and his brother’s wife and only invited him because he overheard.

It wasn’t love when he went on those trips and was treated as a fourth wheel, unwanted and ignored.

It wasn’t love when he tried to kill himself and was discovered by his mother, who screamed at him.

It wasn’t love when he tried again a year later and she called him selfish, because “what would your nieces and nephew think?”.

It wasn’t love when he was sitting in the ER for 10 hours waiting to be transferred to a mental hospital and his father only showed up three hours after he got off of work because he wanted to walk his dog first.

It wasn’t love when he was dragged to his oldest brother’s home for Christmas and had to watch as everyone socialized and gave gifts, forgetting he existed until he gave them the gifts he’d spent three months making.

It wasn’t love when those gifts were found in a junk box in the garage two months later.

It wasn’t love when he told his mother his depression was getting bad again and she scoffed.

It wasn’t love when his mother told him to start watching his weight because he’s getting fat.

It wasn’t love when his mother screamed at him for asking a question.

It wasn’t love when his mother got herself and his nieces food, but didn’t get him anything when she knew there was no food in the house.

It wasn’t love when his mother screamed at him for spending money on food.

 

But it was love when he helped them off the ground after seeing them get pushed.

It was love when he would ask “do you have any dietary restrictions?” so he wouldn’t make something they couldn’t eat.

It was love when he calmly sat beside them when they’d cried their heart out confessing that their partner had cheated on them and he told them “it’s not your fault”.

It was love when he noticed how nervous his boyfriend was and asked again if it was okay, and told him it was okay if the answer was no.

It was love when he drew intricate designs on his friend’s wrist to hide their old scars.

It was love when he heard someone trying to muffle their sobs and, despite not knowing them, found them in the bathroom and sat with them until they calmed down.

It was love when he wrote down everyone’s birthdays so he’d never forget, always making sure to make them a cake and a present.

It was love when he told them “it’s not selfish, you’re taking care of yourself”.

It was love when he gave his friend his lunch, despite knowing that was the only food he was going to get that day.

It was love when he asked what the other wanted to watch and sat through movies he didn’t understand because it brought a smile to their face.

It was love when he said “I’m so proud of you” to someone for being able to get out of bed that day.

It was love when he stayed up all night to tell someone how special and important they are.

It was love when they came out to him and he smiled, hugging them and asking questions to make sure he didn’t offend them in the future.

It was love when he made his mother a birthday dinner, complete with cake made from scratch, because she’d been depressed lately.

It was love when he asked, “hey, you wanna come with me?”.

It was love when he made sure to include everyone, speaking to anyone who seemed like they were being pushed out of the conversation.

It was love when he’d heard they tried to kill themselves, and gave them a long, firm and loving hug and whispered, “I’m so glad you survived”.

It was love when they told him they were cutting and he said, “I’m so sorry you hurt so much”.

It was love when he walked out of class during finals review to cheer them up, even if he could only do so through text.

It was love when he sat with them as they watched their friends party and kept them company.

It was love when he took the number they’d given him and texted them the next morning to check in and make sure they were okay.

It was love when they told him they were feeling depressed and stressed lately and he asked how he could help.

It was love when they said “I’m getting chubby” and he smiled and replied “that just means there’s more of you to love”.

It was love when he answered the same question five times, because he knew they had a bad memory.

It was love when he texted “hey, im getting fast food, what do you want?”.

It was love when he told them to get whatever they wanted, don’t worry about the price.

It was love when he spoke the words he’d never heard directed at him; “You are so amazingly strong, so devastatingly beautiful, and so unbelievably important. I’m so glad you’re here. You are so loved”.

Patton Foster knew how to love the most because he’d been taught how to love the least.


End file.
